You know, I have some seriously smart alec friends & aquaintances. No really, I do. There are a few of them that know I'm not Canadian, but think they're very clever and drop it in our conversations from time to time, just to get a rise out of me. The thing is, it works every time! I'm such a predictable American.
One such friend did this to me tonight and it made me think. It's sorta strange, but the whole Canadian/American tension-thing has been going on, online, for as long as I've been online. I'm not sure what it is about Americans bashing Canadians & vice versa, but it seems to be worthy of Olympic sport, sometimes. What I'm referring to however, is not the malicious type of stuff that goes on but the poking fun, all in fun, between Canoodles & Yankees.
So in that spirit, I'd like to offer up just a little bit of proof, on why I couldn't possibly be a Canadian.
1. I hate hockey. Okay hate is a strong word, I'll give you that. Let me be more accurate and simply say hockey is just dumb and boring to me. Maybe it's because I can't ice skate, and maybe it's because I like teeth? Either way, I don't like hockey and don't care about who's playing or why, or where. Hockey Night in Canada? Please, give me a large break. Saturday night is for getting the laundry done & making sure everyone's church clothes are ironed. Or, walking your Moose, or something like that.
2. I can't ice skate. It's a rule that if you're Canadian you can ice skate, even if you never actually do it. This is true I checked with Stats Canada (or, made it up, I can't remember which).
3. I can't speak French. Okay that's only partly true. I can fake it, but I have no idea what I'm saying, for the most part. I can also speak French in a simply delightful Jeff Foxworthy redneck accent that would truly annoy every French-Canadian alive. I do it often, it's a hoot.
4. I don't like poutine. This is an evil dish of some type of simulated, liquid-cheese product mixed with nasty gravy and poured over limp, luke-cold french fries. I think I read once it was invented by a mad scientist hired by the Canadian military to feed to enemies in an effort to overtake them while they slept it off. Judging by historical stats of Canadian led military battles, you can see how well it worked. Ahem. "I'm just sayin..." (*snort)
5. I love baseball and I don't care that basketball was invented by a Canadian. Baseball is it for me and a New Yorker named Cartwright invented the baseball diamond and fellow New Yorker named Adams wrote the first official rules for the All American game of Baseball in 1845. My logic says therefore, I'm a New Yorker... er... American. Besides, Cartwright was the family name of the folks on Bonanza. Did they look Canadian to you? Do you ever recall Little Joe asking Hoss "fetch me that saddle, eh"??? I didn't think so. Wild American West.
6. I like wearing my birks ALL year round, even in the rain. You cannot do that in Canada, unless you're insane and like hypothermia and black toes.
7. I do not live for the next trip to Tim Hortons. Sure, they make a great mocha and sure, the honey cruellers are the best, but come ON already. Besides, I rolled up the rim to win and it said (in French) ("you're a loser and a sucker, please try again"). In French it looks even worse to be told what a goon you really are for thinking you're actually going to win something better than a free donut.
8. You cannot buy Jiffy Corn Muffin mix or Malt-o-meal in Canada. I grew up on Jiffy, and Malt-o-meal is the best hot cereal in the universe. For a real shocker (get ready, this is REALLY bad)... Captain Crunch in Canada does NOT come with Crunchberries. I know, it's unthinkable. Canadians don't even know what a Crunchberry is. No wonder they eat poutine.
9. I didn't know what a Newfie or a Butter Tart were until I moved here. If were a real Canadian, I would have been eating butter tarts in the cradle, and as soon as I could speak, I'd be mocking the Newfie accent. It's what Canadians do. That's also at Stats Canada, I think.
10. I still don't know the socially acceptable protocol for observing Boxing Day. Where I come from (America!) it's just called "the day after Christmas" and that's the day you lay around in your baggy pants & eat fudge, cookies and cold turkey sandwiches. Some people go shopping but most people opt for the baggy pant look, on the couch with leftovers.
So there you have it, the first 10 reasons I could think of that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I cannot possibly be Canadian. If any Canadians respond and say stuff like "well, I am Canadian and I don't like hockey either" please just ignore them, it's all a grand conspiracy to confuse everyone. They're probably typing that while they tape up their sticks or whatever it is that you do with hockey tape, and getting ready to ice skate through the Tim Horton's drive through to order a Double Double for their pet Moose.
